Ryan Reynolds - Why Do You Make Me Second Guess My Life??

I just got finished watching the chick flick Definitely Maybe.  The one with Ryan Reynolds and some other not-so-famous cast members.  I came away with 2 thoughts.  Number 1 - I want to dye my hair red a la Isla Fisher.  Number 2 - I'm terrified of falling in love, getting married and having a kid only to find myself divorced, my ex husband running off to Brooklyn (or in The Boy's case Australia) to be with "the one he was meant to be with all along".  In case you haven't seen the movie - sorry to spoil the ending for you.  But come on.  It was obvious that was going to happen. 

I'm not bitter.  I'm not even one of those annoying people who subscribe to the cult of "marriage is just an institution and most end up in divorce".  It's just that ever since I was 5 I've wanted to be a princess.  The One.  The beautiful maiden with the long flowing hair.  The one the men write songs about.  For me, married = settling down.  Gone are the castles and the hair in the wind.  The pretty pink dress and the songs of love and unattainable.  Real life happens.  

Up until the age of 25 the nicest thing a guy ever said to me was "I always thought you were unattainable".  The relationship got stale pretty fast.  I realized immediately that once I had become "obtained" I was second hand news.  Even after that guy and I parted ways,  and though I do not fondly recall the guy, I fondly recall the memory of being "unattainable".  

At a much wiser 26, I do realize that "unattainable" means no one's caught me yet.  And that is not the desired position most women want to be in past the age of 30.  I know to be obtained means he knows my quirks, my smell, the fact that I hate my curly hair.  To be obtained means Saturday night is pretty much a sure bet.  No more awkward first dates.  I'm obtained.  

Obtained also means comfortable and I love and loathe comfortable.  Unless it means shoes, sheets or sweats, the word has a stigma.  I've seen comfortable unravel into cheating, lying and internet sex.  I've seen comfortable morph into "I hate you - get out".  

Strangely though, so far, all The Boy has taught me of comfortable has been good.  Comfortable means I can be myself.  Crazy and all.  I can walk around in just underwear.  I don't mind if he sees me minus mascara.  Comfortable has been a walk in the park.  A nice walk.  The kind where it's spring and the carousel is running and there are puppies and street theatre.  Maybe even some cotton candy.  That kind of walk in the park.

I found 3 grey hairs today.  Maybe I'm just scared of old.

I hate fear.  I hate that part where you realize there really isn't the whole entire world ahead of you.  Not like when you were 18.  I hate the fact that I may get old, stretch marks or wrinkles.  I hate the word divorce.  But I hate the idea of loveless/sexless marriage even more.  Sometimes I want to suspend myself in time until I can figure it all out.  I like to know what's going to happen.  I've been known to read the end to most books, just because I hate the suspense.  

I know life can't be like that.  I know that if life was like that, I'd be bored anyway.  

Maybe I'm just a smidge of a control freak?  But in reality, I wouldn't change a thing.  Except my hair color.

I really, really want to dye my hair red.

Stupid Ryan Reynolds movie.