The weather is beautiful, the pool is huge. A perfect setting for doing absolutely nothing except what you want to do. This is what Montauk is. I'm awake by 8am every morning, but it's ok because there is plenty of time in the day for napping. I could live in this small town by the water for ever. I could leave the city - with it's sirens and it's crowds. I could get used to nothing to do but read and write and have bonfires on the beach at night.
I'm sure this is what was needed.
With little to do but relax, I just started reading Moose: A Memoir of Fat Camp, by Stephanie Klein. It reminds me of my childhood. Of the days in gym class where I was petrified of health day in gym - where they weighed you in front of your classmates. I'm taken back to the days of peanut butter and Fluff for lunch, of jogging suits and over sized t-shirts. Pool parties I was scared to go to, nicknames and having to develop a personality because I wasn't the pretty one. It all comes back.
If you were a fat kid, you had to develop something special - a talent or a persona. Because that's all you had. For me - I was a tomboy. I wore Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle sneakers and read comic books. If boys didn't want to date me, they sure wanted to hang out with me. My vast knowledge of early 90's action heroes and killer taste in music was my saving grace. Plus I was an insider. I knew all the pretty girls in the class. I was friends with them. I could be a matchmaker.
I was certain I was doomed to live my life as "the friend" forever. Then high school came. Baby fat melted away. We moved out of my grandma's house and no longer was I forced to be a member of "the clean plate club". I chose my meals and my drinks. Boys noticed me.
I was boy crazy since pre-school. My first boyfriend was Santiago. I liked the exotic men. We would cuddle together at nap time. True love in the sandbox. Being the fat tomboy, though, I didn't get to explore my true potential until I was 14. From then on it was boys, boys, boys.
If they were cute and wore flannel - I was in love. Armed with keen music taste and an interest in comics (leftover from my fat days) I became the pretty girl who liked boy things.
This book makes me nostalgic for my childhood. I want to go back to the days of no worries, no need for a plan. I want to go back with the knowledge I have now. I want to tell the pudgy little me that this passes. That boys who call you a cow are the same boys who want to date models and trust me your future has a much sweeter boy in store for you. You'll be pretty one day - but you won't own it. Just like you don't own fat. All you have to be responsible for is the way you treat others. And never forget what it feels like to be judged.
I want to tell future me that if I ever have a daughter - please don't let her in on the weight obsession. Don't fill her childhood with the words "diet" and "muffin top". Keep those trashy magazines of thin celebs away from her and maybe she'll have the chance to grow up with a positive view of what healthy is. Maybe she'll have a donut one day for breakfast. Don't make her have spinach for dinner to make up for it.
Yes, this is what the book makes me think about. I think it's a true bestseller when it has people relating it's contents to their own life. Good job Stephanie Klein.
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