If you want it to be a surprise than maybe you should skip this one....

I have to try and keep a positive outlook. Because I know positive thoughts make positive things or some shit like that. But I'm watching your dog and you can't call? What's that about?

I like to think it's because you're all in 1 tiny room and they might laugh at the pathetic way you miss me.

I miss you too. I miss the sex. I miss the grabbing and I miss you and me against the door of my old building. When behind doors didn't belong to us. When behind doors was only for me. When I didn't believe it would last. When I was waiting for the other shoe to drop - no crash. A time when I believed things like this crashed and burned. Obviously when you put a boy who's fickle with a girl who's jaded together you can't bet on forever. But some thing's different now.

I know it's going to last. I would bet some cash on it. I wouldn't even mind an oops. That's how sure I am. Of course it scares the shit out of me. But I keep digging. And you keep digging. I have songs and memories and conversations - days and data that would have to be erased. I'd crash my computer if this stopped. I'd have to leave Manhattan. I couldn't imagine functioning with all these thoughts in my head. And The Talking Heads?? Forget about any 80's nights. I'd have to give up Karaoke and whole wheat pizza. I'd have to leave work and the new apartment because I doubt I would be able to function. I have so many many days of memories. And yet some days I feel new. And you feel foreign.

Maybe that's the secret to the really good sex? We should write a book or hold a seminar. It's really become a perfected art, the sex. The fact that I still want your body so badly after not seeing you for barely a day - it says something I don't think I've ever been able to say before. The fact that I only want your body. Still. After all those times and after all this time. I still remember that first time. Clearly. Crystal.

I know I could trust you with it all. I know you could read this and not bat an eye. That's how much a part of me you are. But then I'd lose my edge. Have I really got any left anyway? That went away the day I peed the bed because I was so drunk. My edge. Ha. It was fun to have for a sec. I'd give it up again in a heartbeat if it promised to bring us to this place again. I'd leave edge and move comfortably into "obtained" a million times for you.

I know you're it and I know you want that to be a surprise so that's why I suggest you don't read this. I wouldn't want to spoil the ending for you....

Fuck the Fair Weather - What Happened to Rainy Day Friends?

I understand the fact that life is moving on and people are engaged and have boyfriends, new jobs and school is hard for you.  I, too miss the days where we would all get drunk on a Sunday and do cartwheels in the snow.  I miss the butterflies and the what-if's when we would discuss our futures.  I'm sorry he treats you like crap and I'm even sorrier that you take it.  But I am finished feeling guilty for having a life beyond you.  And quite honestly, the needier you become, the more assuming and angry - the less I want to even try.

It's sad that this has to happen.  I still believe you have a good heart.  But I think the years of second guessing and being negative has buried your true self deep down.  I know he doesn't give you what you want.  You know it too.  But you're lulled back in by his weak words and when you blanket yourself with the comfort of being one half of an "us" you forget that you need friends.

So, though I'll always be here - in the event of a life altering situation or even if you want to borrow some milk - I really can't try anymore.  And when he doesn't respond to emails or calls or can't handle 7am therapy sessions anymore - of course I'll still listen.  But I realize you'll never be a rainy day friend.